Saturday, 16 May 2009
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"Oh, no, can't you see? I'm wearing yellow, that means I don't really want a relationship right now"
How do you pursue guys you're really interested in as friends, but not romantically, without hurting their feelings or cutting off your chances for connection? When is exchange of wit friendly and when is it flirty? Interpersonal relationships are so awkward. Maybe I should stick to stoplight parties.
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Comments (31)
Like a woman you are probably putting to much thought into it.
Ha, is it even "pursuing" if you don't want to date them?
@Kestryl - Ha, I don't know. You pursue friendships, right?
@TheTheologiansCafe - I don't want to give the wrong impression! I'm not the type of girl who leads people on.
haven't you seen when harry met sally? let's be serious.
If he's actually cool, he'll survive you not being interested. Despite common "wisdom", being just friends can be a lot of fun. As for flirting, it doesn't always indicate sexual interest. Most people engage in flirting because it's fun and a recent psychological study suggested there are seven types of flirting - only one of which indicates "interest."
Go for it - the worst that can happen is that you're forced to say you're not interested and he goes off in a huff. But sometimes the guy will be secure enough to continue the friendship - he'll make a steady friend.
@gloomsister - I actually haven't, but...yeah.
You can never really "know" what others think and as such it is best not to attempt to compensate. Just do what comes natural; sometimes it's going to end badly anyway.
oh please do! it's my favorite movie in the whole world. but i do live by men and women can't really be friends.
just be straight up about your intentions and don't worry about the rest.
'Friendly' and 'flirty' seem to be increasingly interchangeable in this sexually-charged (-repressed?) society. My best answer to this would be to just do your thang... if anyone starts making any moves, then it's time to talk. Otherwise, just have fun. It keeps things less complicated (and less stressful!) that way.
Here's why I say that: If you are anything but genuine, you can't get a real good connection going. Which means, setting up disclaimers and warnings kind of hamper the good vibrations (not saying its impossible, but it's unnecessarily awkward).
What's a stoplight party?
I don't know, and I think I'm going to stop being so supportive of my guy friends because they always take it the wrong way.
@Stacheldraht_LS - @ElliottStrange - I suppose so. I just hate to be "that bitch that led me on," you know?
@gloomsister - I don't know, I think they can...you can't harbor illicit feelings forever, and it can work when one person's interested in the other but the other's not interested in the one...I don't know. I'm positive at least some of my guy friends are purely platonic on both sides...
@insomniologist - Yeah, that's the problem. I guess I just have to...it was easier when I had a boyfriend, but. Beh.
@SharonJo - It's an awful party where people go to hook up. It's basically green means single, yellow means it's complicated, and red means taken.
@mycontinuity - Frustrating, isn't it? But I also hate to lose a friend over it. >.<
I know what you mean about not wanting to lead someone on. That's why you have to let them know exactly where you both stand.
Just be honest. "We're good friends. If we sleep together and stop, we won't be friends anymore. I'd rather have you as a friend for a long time than a lover for a short time. Besides, as friends, we can share secrets."
@chromepoet - @Stacheldraht_LS - It's good for normal, previously-established friendships, but that's just kind of awkward when you're just meeting someone and think they're pretty cool and want to approach them, you know?
Maybe we should both be concerned when you post something that if dumbed down the eloquence a bit could be written be me...
On second thought, I guess we're probably okay until you take it the next step and start ranting about how stupid people are and seeking out ways to piss off friends so that they will leave you alone.
More in answer to your question though, I'd have to say that in our society where relationships that are not romantic are looked down upon and the only culturally appropriate reason to be nice to someone is wanting to be nice to a person of the opposite sex is an insatiable desire to get into their pants, well, you're out of luck as there is no way to pursue such a friendship without sending the wrong signals.
Actually that is a really good question. Has anybody come up with a viable response?
If he straight up says,"Quellers, I must have you! Either in bed or in a relationship..."
Then thats your que to respond with how you feel. Otherwise you take a chance on looking silly if you randomly bring it up.
But rarely are guys that straight forward. They look for signs, hints, subtle physical adjustments in your mannerisms. Out of respect for him, I'd keep flirting to a minimal, watch your body language, and dont let him buy tickets to the movie all the time.
Treat him like a girl friend.
Stoplight parties?
How lame are you, Miss B.?
What a promiscuous, absurd, ridiculous concept....
"stoplight party".... indeed.
Why isn't stating your desires upfront an acceptable method of banter?
Why must you blink eyelashes and give stares?
Women...any subtle hints are lost on me.
It's all beyond me.
Always has been, and forever shall be.
Good luck.
@offensiveideologue - To tell the truth, I'm not very lame at all. You really seem to have a bitterness against flirtatious women,
something I certainly can't blame you for, but I assure you, I'm not
one of them.
At any rate, it's only an analogy—really, not even that, it's a throwaway joke. To tell the truth, I've never actually even been to a stoplight party...or even a "college party", to be honest.
The difficulty is in pursuing a man for friendship when one is single. Men immediately assume I'm looking for more, simply because I like them enough to go after their presence in my life. I'm not batting any eyelashes, I'm just seeking their company, yeah?
To say this right off the bat, though, can (and usually does) make everything stilted and awkward.
But maybe I should just not worry about it.
You pretty much don't.
I know it seems like one of those things that should be doable, but . . . nope.
@moritheil - That's what I was afraid of.
@CallMeQuell -
Well, my misogyny aside, you too take things too seriously. If I really thought you were lame, I wouldn't bother to click through to your weblog and waste some of my life's time putting fingers to keyboard, hm?
Why is it so vital to have friends of the opposite sex?
I've met more nifty people, male and female, than I could count on both hands - unfortunately, few if any ever stick around long enough to warrant the term 'friend'...different locales, different lifestyles, different life goals and plans.
If it's so important to you, as I said before - and re-iterate - just be direct with your potential buddy. Explain that hey, despite your lack of sexual interest, you think that person is rather nifty and worth knowing, and see if they can take the compliment and act accordingly or if that isn't enough to warrant their own interest, then they must not be as nifty as originally thought - try again with some other potentially-nifty friend.
Now, as for my misogyny, there's a whole rambling rant as to why I loathe women (in general) which I'm sure no one wants to hear.
And, as I said before, good luck, Miss B.